hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
