If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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