My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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