I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My feet surprised me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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