I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
