remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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