her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
