I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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