Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
