I must be too annoying 4 u.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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