Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
