I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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