seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
