things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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