Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
