He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
