Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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