My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
