i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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