Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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