So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
