I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
