Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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