this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
