Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
