i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
