Just fell off a train. Bad.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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