I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
