i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
