He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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