She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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