the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
