You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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