made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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