I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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