i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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