I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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