i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
