Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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