there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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