this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
