CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
