i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
