I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I will pee on everything he values.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
