im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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