We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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