best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
worst night to have a conscience
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
