His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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