im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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