if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
