I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
