i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
